Stop Telling Women They're "Trying to Be Relevant" They Already Are

I've worked in male-dominated industries for over 25 years. Trades, construction, transportation, environments where I've often been "the first" or "the only" woman in the room. And in all those years, I've heard one phrase more times than I can count:

"She's just doing all that to be relevant."

Let me tell you something, every time I hear it, it hits differently. Not because it hurts my feelings. But because of what it reveals about how men in these spaces actually think about women who dare to be competent, confident, and visible.

They say it casually. They say it joking. Not quietly. Not embarrassed.

"She's always trying to learn something to be relevant." "She's doing as much as she can to be seen."

They say it like it's a fact. Like women in trades don't work hard because we care about our jobs. Like we don't pursue training and certifications because we want to be excellent at what we do. Like we don't step into leadership because we're actually capable.

No. To them, it's all about attention. It's all about motive. It's all about trying to matter.

But here's what I want you to understand: that way of thinking is ignorant and dangerous. It shapes how women are treated on job sites every single day. And today, I'm unpacking what they really mean when they say "relevant," who gets to define it, and why this isn't just a personal issue, this is an HR and leadership problem that has to be corrected at the top.

The Double Standard: When Men Do It vs. When Women Do It

Let me ask you something.

If you've ever worked in a male-dominated industry, how many men have you seen pick up something heavier than they need to? How many men position themselves to align with whoever they feel is going to get them to the next level? How many men suddenly develop an interest in golf or hunting because that's what the executives do?

I have a colleague, and I'm sure you have one too who never has his own opinion. He's always agreeing with whoever is on top. He does anything and everything they ask him, almost like a yes man, so that he can seem relevant.

But nobody calls him out for it. Nobody says he's "trying too hard" or "seeking attention."

That's not what I do.

I show up. I give facts. I state an opinion. I'm direct. I'm assertive. I say what needs to be said and I'm done. I'm not beating around the mulberry bush trying to get you to understand or trying to get you to respect me. I'm telling you the truth and that's it.

When I told a co-worker I was taking additional classes to advance my skills, you know what his response was?

"You're such a nerd."

It's funny how men insult instead of acknowledging growth.

This is the reality: For them to always think that women want to be seen, want to be heard by doing things, they're projecting. Because what I'm actually doing is elevating who I am as a human being. How I'm showing up. How I choose to invest in myself.

I'm not trying to give to anyone for them to see me, hear me, love on me, or give me what they think I deserve. I'm doing it for me.

What "Relevant" Really Means to Them

Let's be clear about what relevant actually means on a job site.

You show up. You do your job. You follow the rules. You don't cut corners. You keep people safe. You grow your skills because you take pride in your work.

If that's the definition, then everyone doing their job is relevant. So why does the word only get thrown at women?

Because in some spaces, relevance has nothing to do with performance, it has everything to do with power.

When women aren't supposed to be there in their minds in the first place, our competency feels like the problem. Like we shouldn't be that smart. Like we shouldn't be able to work with our hands as well as a man.

With that mindset, relevance means:

• Approved by men

• Useful to men

• Quiet enough for men

• Non-threatening to men

So the second a woman becomes skilled, confident, corrective, or steps into leadership, she's doing too much. Trying to prove something. Showing off. Being difficult.

I've been told I was being difficult. I've been told I was showing off.

But no, we are doing our jobs. When people are used to being the center, everyone else being seen feels like an attack.

The Hidden Costs Women Carry

Our preparation gets labeled attention-seeking. Our leadership gets labeled as ego. Our presence gets labeled as motive.

The tone shifts. The patience drops. The support disappears.

Not because we've changed as women, we still show up 100%. But because the story assigned to us has changed.

And you know what this costs women?

We start watching everything we say. We stop asking questions, it dims our curiosity. We second-guess our growth. We stop raising our hand.

Not because we can't do the work.

Because everything we do gets twisted.

And carrying that all day, every day, is exhausting.

Women Are the Canary in the Coal Mine

Here's what you need to know: You're not trying to be relevant. You ARE relevant.

You see things. You speak up. You show up.

You're the canary in the coal mine.

For those unfamiliar with this reference, let me give you some history. From the late 1800s through 1986, coal miners would bring caged canaries into the mines with them. These small birds have faster metabolisms and are more sensitive to toxic gases like carbon monoxide and methane. If the canary showed distress or died, it was an early warning system miners knew to evacuate immediately because dangerous conditions were present that they couldn't yet detect themselves.

The canary wasn't weak. The canary wasn't overreacting. The canary was the safety system.

That's what women are in these male-dominated industries.

We're not being "too sensitive" or "trying too hard" when we call out problems. We're detecting the toxic conditions that are poisoning the entire workplace culture, conditions that will eventually harm everyone if left unchecked.

When women raise concerns about:

• Unequal treatment

• Unsafe practices being dismissed

• Inappropriate behavior being normalized

• Training opportunities being gatekept

• Competency being questioned without cause

We're not complaining. We're not being dramatic. We're not trying to be relevant.

We're creating the change that needs to happen. We're creating growth. We're identifying what's breaking the culture and costing the company money in retention, safety incidents, and lost productivity.

Nothing that we're doing is wrong.

My Definition of Relevant

Let me tell you what relevant actually means:

Relevant is who the work cannot move without.

Relevant is someone who shows up when things go sideways. Relevant is who keeps people safe. Relevant is who leadership calls when things get real. Relevant is who gets the job done.

Women are not trying to be relevant, we are.

Why This Is an HR and Leadership Problem

Here's where companies get it wrong.

HR is trained to look for incidents on paper. When women start complaining about what's happening, they don't see it. They're not looking at harassment the way it shows up on a work site.

When you're asked to pick up something heavier when you're not being trained for it that's harassment with a smile. When the jokes are made even about the diversity videos everyone had to watch, that's the culture telling you what it really thinks.

HR listens for policy violations. Women are responding to environments.

So when women say something feels off, HR says, "I don't see a violation."

Both can be true, and that gap that blind spot is exactly where retention quietly dies.

If HR is only trained to respond to formal policy violations, then HR is part of the retention problem.

That's not disrespect. That's responsibility.

The Leadership Problem

If this is how men are thinking, this is how they're leading. Culture rolls downhill.

If leadership shrugs at disrespect, if crude joking is acceptable, if HR doesn't challenge the underlying attitudes, it becomes normal without ever being written in a policy.

This is why correction has to happen at the top. Not talked around. Not softened. Corrected.

Because what leadership ignores, the workforce multiplies. And what leadership corrects, the culture follows.

Check boxes don't change anything. Sending someone to a work site to watch a video doesn't change anything when the jokes are made about those same videos the minute the presenter leaves.

When your workers bring learned behaviors from their outside world into your company, and you don't address it, your reputation breaks down. Your retention breaks down. Your money breaks down.

Because now people know that you're not a company that respects women. You're not a company that wants to promote and elevate because you have not taken the time to educate your employees properly.

Your front-line people are the people who work on the job sites. I'm just telling you so you'll know.

What This Costs Companies

Nearly 40% of women in construction leave within the first five years.

Let me repeat that: 40%.

That's not because they can't do the work. That's because companies keep misreading them until they're done trying.

I've had numerous friends leave. Women who were talented. Women who were wanting to grow in a company. Women who were curious about becoming part of a change, curious about that next level and how they could help the company.

But they became tired. They felt uncomfortable. They were so uncomfortable that they didn't want to say anything. They were so quiet when they left.

I didn't even know they were leaving. And the craziness is the shame that we put on ourselves as women when we leave. I'll ask, "Hey, is so-and-so still here?" and find out she left weeks ago.

"She didn't say anything, she didn't want you to be disappointed."

We're already attaching disappointment of others to what we're feeling because we're uncomfortable.

Women don't storm out. We leave quietly. And then the company says, "It just didn't work out."

No. It did work until perception killed it.

The Solution: Self-Allyship

This is where self-allyship comes in.

Self-allyship is when you stop shaping yourself around what makes other people comfortable. It's when you stop proving what never should have been questioned.

Not louder. Not meaner. Not smaller.

Just rooted. Just ten toes down.

Because not until you become rooted in what you know, knowing who you are and that you're more than capable, do you start fully showing up and not getting caught up in that "relevant" narrative.

I don't give a damn about their definition of me.

I care only about who I think and know that I am. I am the most relevant person to me and not by anybody else's definition.

Recently, I was working with a new colleague, helping him learn so he can advance in the company. The whole training program was built around what I do, helping employees and my direct reports become better supervisors, equipping them with knowledge, making sure they know the real rules and regulations.

Someone said I was just trying to keep myself relevant.

Sweetheart, I don't have to keep myself relevant. I am who I am in this position. I know what I bring. I know what I share. I know that I bring value.

Your opinion is yours.

I have a colleague who is the most unqualified person in the room, always looking at someone else and defining them. But if you ask him to make a copy on a machine, he doesn't know how.

But he can define what relevance is for a woman.

Those labels they're attaching to you have nothing to do with you.

Know This

I've been called too loud, too animated, too much.

"Can't you bring it down? Why do you have to be the center of attention?"

Why not?

Because when men speak up, when men show up, everybody stops and gets quiet. When they're loud, when they have a point to share, they're very direct and assertive. They let you know. They tell you, "Listen, give me a minute. Let me tell you why this is important."

So when you use your voice the same way, and someone tells you you're trying to be relevant?

That's their problem, not yours.

Recently I had a project going on at work, and one of my colleagues doesn't participate in anything but he can tell you why you shouldn't participate. He will bring a whole room down, a whole crowd, because of his beliefs, or lack thereof because "this is how it's always been."

And I'm always "doing too much."

But it's funny how every other man there, I'm going to say 70% of the men were like, "This is good. This is increasing morale. This is making people happy. This is changing the way people are showing up. That made a difference."

And then in that 11th hour, guess who wanted to get on board?

A Call to You

This is where I want you to take a moment.

Think about when you were labeled. A moment when you were watched. A moment that changed how you move. A moment you watched it happen to someone else.

This is the emotional anchor that either holds you back or grounds you in your truth.

I was labeled "too much." And you know what? I decided they were right, I am too much. Too competent. Too confident. Too direct. Too unwilling to shrink.

And I'm okay with that.

If you're a woman in trades reading this and you're tired of being mislabeled and misunderstood, this is the work I do. This is where we pull real wins, quiet the noise, and help you lead. This is about using your voice, trusting it, keeping it even when someone else tries to take it.

And if you're a company that's serious about keeping the women you hire, this is your retention strategy, not a "nice-to-have." You already know where to find me.

We don't shrink over here. We speak from our roots.

About the Author

Samantha Kaye Harris is the CEO and founder of SKH Solutions LLC and Workforce Retention and Confidence™ Strategist. With over 25 years of experience working as "the first or only" woman in male-dominated industries including trades, construction, aviation, and transportation, she specializes in confidence building and leadership development for women in these environments. She hosts the "Rooted in Your Confidence" podcast and has developed proprietary methodologies including the Brag Bag™ strategy and TRUTH Method framework to help women systematically document and showcase their achievements.

Ready to build your Brag Bag and lead with confidence? Visit [your website] to learn more about speaking engagements, consulting, and the "Rooted in Your Confidence" programs.