Leadership Under Pressure: What Changes When Women Stop Carrying Communication Alone

A Conversation with Kirsten Dubreuil on the Rooted in Your Confidence Podcast

Women don't struggle with communication. They struggle with being the only ones expected to manage it.

That's what became crystal clear during my recent conversation with Kirsten Dubreuil, a former senior military officer who spent 25 years navigating leadership in one of the most male-dominated environments that exists. Now, as an executive leadership coach and founder of Maven Executive Coaching, she's helping women and men redesign what leadership actually looks like and who gets to define it.

In Episode [#] of Rooted in Your Confidence, we talk about what happens when women stop self-editing to survive the room and start leading like they belong in it because they do.

If you've ever sat at a table wondering if your perspective belongs, this one's for you.

The Moment Everything Changed

Kirsten's wake-up call came when she was a commanding officer, standing in front of 400 people, delivering devastating news about an injured team member. As she spoke, tears streamed down her face.

Her first thought? "You can't be crying in front of 400 people. What are they going to think of you as a leader?"

But in that moment, something shifted. She realized her team didn't need her to be stoic. They needed to see exactly what she was showing them, that it's human to feel, that emotions don't disqualify you from leadership, that vulnerability builds the trust high-pressure situations demand.

"This is exactly what they need to see," she told herself. "Because this is a tough thing for many of the people to be digesting. They needed to see that it was affecting me just like it was going to affect many of them."

This wasn't weakness. This was leadership that actually works.

But here's the thing: that realization didn't come easy. It came after years of operating on autopilot, of following a limited menu of acceptable options, of wondering why her communication style was labeled "unclear" while men at the same table, communicating identically, received no such feedback.

The Leadership Traits We're Taught to Hide

When I asked Kirsten what she had to share about her journey, she was honest in a way that hit home:

"I went through my career a lot on autopilot and played small because that is kind of what society tells us to do."

Here's what nobody talks about enough: women in leadership roles often adopt characteristics that don't align with who they actually are. We show up as representatives of ourselves the version we think the room needs to see instead of our true selves.

Kirsten experienced this firsthand. As the only woman at senior leadership tables, she constantly received feedback that felt inconsistent with what she was observing. The men around her operated one way. She operated the same way. Yet she was the one being told to adjust.

The message was obvious: adapt their style or be judged inadequate.

When I asked Kirsten what holding back looked like for her, she described something I've lived myself and I know many of you have too:

"Sitting at the table thinking, 'This is not how I see this situation at all,' but not always wanting to share my point of view because it was often very different than what the other ideas were at the table."

She accepted when someone said she didn't have the background for a role, never questioning it. Never saying, "Wait, I've done this, this, and this. How does this not equal having the background?"

Sound familiar?

We normalize what we see in front of us, forgetting that we ended up in leadership positions precisely because we showed up differently, because people recognized we were kick-ass humans whose opinions mattered.

The Unspoken Rules That Keep Us Stuck

One story Kirsten shared still gets me fired up.

She was sitting at a leadership table with her peers all men except her and they were discussing what makes a good leader. The consensus? If you're not eating, breathing, and thinking about work 24/7, you're not a dedicated leader.

Kirsten pushed back. "So you're telling me that if I'm at home, present with my family and children, not thinking about the office, I'm not a good leader?"

They said yes.

Let that sink in.

The unpaid hours women carry the mental load, the household management, the caretaking responsibilities don't count as work. But if we're not obsessing over our paid roles every waking moment, we're not committed enough.

This is the system we're navigating. These are the beliefs we're up against.

And here's what made this moment even more powerful: another man in the room spoke up and said, "This is not right." He supported Kirsten in that conversation, which shows that change is possible but it requires everyone at the table willing to challenge the status quo.

What It Takes to Lead Authentically

Kirsten's journey from military officer to executive leadership coach taught her what many of us are still learning: you can't be the best version of yourself as a leader if you're choosing an attitude or behavior that doesn't align with who you are.

She now works with both women and men to redesign the executive table so all responses are acceptable, where anger isn't the only emotion allowed, where diverse perspectives aren't just tolerated but embraced, where "executive presence" doesn't mean conforming to a predetermined list of masculine traits.

Her approach centers on what she calls servant leadership focusing on what the team needs, understanding people as individuals, having the humility to lean on those with more experience in certain areas.

This philosophy came directly from advice her father gave her when she joined the military as an officer: "Just because you're the officer and you're the boss doesn't mean that you know all the things and that you have the answer. Really reach out to the people that have been around and they know the things and have some humility and lean on them."

And here's what I love most about Kirsten's work: she's bringing men into this conversation intentionally. Because the solution can't be "us versus them." It requires everyone at the table operating in harmony, understanding where deep-rooted beliefs come from, building trust through uncomfortable conversations.

The Courage to Allow

One of the most powerful moments in our conversation came when Kirsten talked about allowing her husband to step into household responsibilities when her career required her to be away for professional development.

That word allow.

Listen, it takes tremendous courage to release the conditioning that tells us we're solely responsible for everything at home while also excelling at work. To let go of particularities about how things should be done. To stop carrying the entire load.

For Kirsten, it started as necessity. Her career took her away for a year of professional development, and she could only come home on weekends. Her husband had to figure out schedules, lunches, medical appointments, sick kids all of it while managing their two young children who were only 2 and 4 at the time.

She had to tell herself: "You're not the person here during the week to keep things on the rails. You need to let it go."

And here's what she discovered: "It was probably the best thing that could have happened because it forced me to allow that to happen. Okay, this might not be the way I would do things, but it got done and it was perfectly fine. And it also allowed him to jump in with confidence to go, 'I can do this. Why wouldn't I be able to do this?'"

That partnership evolved into something intentional. It's still a journey "we all have our particularities of this is how we want things done," she admits, but it's also been a relief to know she doesn't have to carry all the load.

That's not just about dinner planning. That's about rewriting the definition of what makes a good woman, a good mother, a good partner and recognizing those definitions were never ours to begin with.

The Biggest Leadership Belief to Unlearn

When I asked Kirsten about the biggest leadership belief she had to unlearn, she didn't hesitate: "Predetermining the outcome."

In the military, you start with the end state and plan backward. You define exactly where you're going and what success looks like, then work your way back to create the most effective and efficient path to get there.

But in life, in business, in our careers? That can become a self-imposed limitation.

"Imagine if you didn't always pre-define that," she explained. "The outcome can be even greater than what you think. Don't put yourself in this pre-defined box because maybe you're going to fly right past that and just keep going."

This is the deprogramming work. The unlearning. The recognizing that we don't have to accept the limited options we've been given.

Kirsten described it as having small goals when she started her next chapter as an executive coach but quickly realizing she needed to stop pre-defining outcomes and just let things unfold.

What It Means to Be Rooted in Your Confidence

I ask every guest on the Rooted in Your Confidence podcast the same closing question: What does it mean to be rooted in your confidence?

Kirsten's answer captures everything we talked about in our conversation:

"You are offering your true self. You're not masking, you're not armoring. You know who you are, and that is the gift you get to offer the world."

Not a burden. Not something to apologize for. A gift.

Think about that for a moment. Your authentic self, the one you've been told to tone down, to adjust, to make more palatable is actually a gift to the world.

The Work Ahead: What We Can Do Right Now

So what do we do with all this? How do we actually change things when we're the only woman in the room, when we're sitting at tables designed for others, when the system wasn't built for us?

Kirsten's answer is both simple and profound:

Create community. Be supportive of each other. Show the vulnerable, honest version of ourselves so other women know they're not alone. Have the courage to show up in our natural way. Challenge others at the table to understand where their beliefs come from.

And yes build the muscle that allows us to sit at the table even when it's just us, then make that table longer so we can bring others in.

The conversations need to happen. The uncomfortable ones. The ones where we're honest instead of tiptoeing around the elephant in the room.

Because there's no great work environment when everyone's avoiding the truth.

Your Reminder

If you're a woman in a male-dominated industry trades, construction, aviation, transportation, or any field where you're often the first or only and you're tired of holding back, tired of hiding your perspective, tired of carrying the communication work alone, this is your reminder:

Your different perspective is exactly what the table needs. Your leadership style doesn't need to match theirs to be effective. Your emotions don't disqualify you from making hard decisions.

The fire in your belly that you've been suppressing? That's not something to tame. That's your power.

I work with women in male-dominated industries who are done shrinking and ready to stay, lead, and speak with clarity. And if you're ready to stop explaining yourself and start advocating for yourself, the Brag Bag™ method is one of the tools I teach to help women keep receipts of their wins and speak from evidence, not anxiety.

Listen to the Full Episode

Listen to Episode 10 of Rooted in Your Confidence wherever you get your podcasts. Kirsten's info is in the show notes.

About Kirsten Dubreuil

Kirsten Dubreuil is the owner and founder of Maven Executive Coaching, where she works with individuals and teams to unlock what keeps them stuck and help leaders find alignment between who they are and how they show up at work. After 25 years as a senior military officer in the Canadian Armed Forces, Kirsten now focuses on redesigning the executive table so that all leadership styles not just traditionally masculine ones are valued and embraced.

Connect with Kirsten on LinkedIn or visit youaremaven.com to learn more about her work.

Join the Conversation

What belief did you have to unlearn to lead the way you lead now? Drop it in the comments. And if this hit home, share it with another woman who needs the reminder.